life actually

I've avoided posting on my blog for what seems like an eternity. I've been such a downer. My go to attitude since I was a little girl is meloncholy, woe is me, and no one has it as bad as I do. Mature, I know! My life isn't bad. It never really has been. Sure, I've gone through my fair share of heart aches and disappointments but I'm healthy, my people are healthy what more could a girl want? My real actual life is busy and full of people that I love to no end unconditionally. But sometimes when you love people so much life can feel heavy and out of control. 

My boys are now 17 and 15. I know, I can hardly believe it myself. Time moves quickly and in the quickness of time I've gotten lost more times than I'd like to admit. Like for the last 3 years...

When my oldest entered high school I wasn't really prepared for what was to come. Teenaged humans have thoughts and opinions of their own even though you as parents raise them up one way, it really doesn't matter. They become aliens. It's intimidating. My priest has been telling me since the boys were little that raising them may at times, seem daunting but keep at it they will return to what they've been taught. 

Proverbs 22:6 runs on repeat through my head. 

This is me now, I'm sick of hiding from it. Life with teenagers is fun but it's draining. More often than not I feel defeated and exhausted. But together with Christ I think we're going to make it. 

 

savor all the moments

i don't know if i've ever said this on my blog or not but i have this major fear that when I'm older I'm going to get Alzheimer's. my dr. assures me that my lack of memory currently is due to the fact that my vitamin d level is still morbidly low. so back to a therapeutic regimen i go.  that being said, i want to be able to look back twenty years from now and savor all the moments. remember all the things. and feel all the feelings that motherhood has made me feel.

there are 8 days left of the school year. at this time every year i freak out as reality sets in and i realize how huge my babies boys man children are becoming. G is fifteen and finishing up his freshman year. WTH? D is 13 and is finishing up 7th grade. HOLD ME.

i thought i'd do a little recap of the year. in photos. lots of them. the difference between a black and white take with my phone and big girl camera is killing me. don't say i didn't warn ya.

 G's first forensics tournament

 thursday night football 

{above & below G is #85}

pencil tricks a.k.a proud mom moment ha! 

surf or die dude. he's never surfed a day in his life, but he sure is cute.

 santa's in that H3. say whaaaat?

hockey shmockey. selfies forever! 

pheasant hunting 

 they day he got his first deer.

momma + son date night

happy birthday JESUS

family camp

 bidding adieu until we meet again to grand

judging by this photo it's like she new her time was near.

we miss her every second.

the first day he gave flowers to a "real" girl. not just his momma.

T H I R T E E N

F I F T E E N

our first boy//girl par-tay. 

YIKES!

boys lets take a nice picture together…ha right.

 snuggled up to watch the voice

 the first of many snowboarding trips

thinking they're hysterical in anthro

track. a new adventure. 

go get em' tiger 

leading the greek dance pack 

OPA 

we tried to get a nice photo to give to the grandma's for mothers day. ha. twas a nice try though.

love you both to infinity and beyond G & D…

not to be confused with D & G

promise to love me boys when i lose my mind.

kiss.kiss 

motherhood: count it all joy.

i'm sure i have spoken of all of this before but i'm struggling again so here we are.

i find myself struggling daily with simultaneously  wanting and not wanting a servants heart.
mostly i want one and don't have one. this morning when my son called from school saying he forgot something for the 50th time this school year, i wanted to get mad and say,
i have been up since 5:45 working to get you, your brother, and father out of the door on time. your brother just left and I just sat down to enjoy my coffee finally. so tough $**#. i tell you every night to get your bag ready for zero period and you don't. so don't call me again and tell me to bring you another thing you've forgotten. {ugly i know}
just as i was about to get upset i realized that this life IS the life i grew up wanting. i've wanted to be a a wife and mother for longer than i can remember. i chose to be a stay at home mom. this is my job and truly there is no where else i'd rather be. AND it's high time i start behaving as such. 

i have found myself in a new stage of motherhood. 

the one where my boys are growing and the time they want to spend with their parents is shortening.

i miss sitting with my freshly bathed boys on the couch watching the latest and greatest disney movie, while the smells of johnson and johnson baby shampoo circles around the room.

i don't want to admit how old they were before i bought them real shampoo. 
even though i miss those days i am glad to have the memories that flood when i smell baby care products. J&J please never change your scent. 

i find myself feeling lonely A Lot. 

the weird thing is that my people want to be around me,
but i find myself sabotaging that time with nonsense.

i'm lonely because of me and it's time to stop being silly.

i lately i  find myself wanting another baby.

for us, that ship has sailed. 

God's plans are better than my own and i am beyond thankful that by God's Grace i carried my precious boys successfully. i have children. but still, my heart aches.

i'm not exactly sure what's right in this situation. but i have the hope of some day being united with our four precious babes in heaven.
hope lifts you up!

i miss my Grand.
today, i am working hard do as she did and bring my troubles to the Lord and count it all joy.
even the hard and ugly things, because:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
james 1:2-8

936 saturdays

{print by stephsayshello}

when summer vacation is just about over and school is getting ready to resume

there's a little part of me thats excited for my days to be mine again. 

that lasts all of three seconds. 

the boys walk out the door and i stand on the porch watching as the go. 

i turn back and look at the empty house and my heart aches as i 

long for them to be inside sleeping in soundly. 

// one of my very favorite things to do is sneak into to their rooms at night just to listen to them breath. // 

i saw a print recently that read something along the lines of this:

YOU HAVE 936 SATURDAYS WITH YOUR CHILD.

HOW WILL YOU SPEND THEM?

that hit me really hard. 

936 saturdays? that's assuming your child doesn't want to spend any of those with his or her family or friends for the first 18 years of life. ha! it's natural for kids to want to spread their wings and form relationships with others. as a parent you want that. 

the boy who made me a momma just turned 15. 

i'd say, that when he was about 7 he started wanting to have sleepovers with his cousins.

when he was around 10 he wanted to have sleepovers or hang outs with friends on the weekends.

so really you have way fewer saturdays than 936 with your child. 

motherhood can be heartbreaking.

so now lets assume that i have three years of saturdays, 

that's 156 left with my boy before he heads of to college. 

you better believe that i'm going to make each and every one count. 

when i started this post i really didn't know where it was going and it surely isn't meant to be a downer, but a reminder to enjoy the heck out of every day.

so tomorrow, because my little family definitely goes together like coffee and donuts, 

as soon as the wake i think we'll go for some coffee and donuts. 

happy weekend friends.

enjoy the heck out of it!

daring adventurers

"life is either a daring adventure or nothing. to keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."

-Hellen Keller

i pray my boys are always daring adventurers and they continue to walk their paths together.

happy monday.

this kid.

he basically taught me how to love.
it's funny how you really think you know how to love,
then you have a child. 
and out of nowhere love is oozing from your out heart
 all over the place and you just wind up a one big oozy mess of love.

it feel like yesterday i was holding my little sugar bear snug in my arms never wanting to let go,
but you do eventually have to loosen your grip and let go.

it's hard.

+++++

today he and i went to high school and registered him for the fall.

listen to the song below before or while you continue.
i heard this song for the first time recently and it reminds me of him...of us.

as we were waiting in line this verse played through my head. when in hold you in my arms, love, something changes  it's the strangest feeling  the things that used to matter, they don't matter     to me.
and boom prickly eyes, on the verge of ugly tears. thank goodness i snapped myself back into reality and pulled it together before he saw. i hate to be the embarrassing mom in public at home i let it flow. i had my girl camie in my purse but opted for my phone for the above reason. here's a little peak at registration.

say cheese...it's ID card time.
isn't he so handsome.

signing his intent to graduate.

 there will be a super cool raffle if he keeps this card and turns it back in his senior year.

painting your hand isn't just for kindergarteners. i thought you knew.

his mark on his class' year.  2 0 1 7  B A B Y !

i love the silly faces he makes. my sweet sugar bear, i pray that you always stay true to yourself  and that Christ remains number one in your life. i know that in this time of your life we will have struggles and wars of will, but always remember that i only want whats best for you even if i translate it poorly. when it comes time for you to make hard decisions  i hope that you know you can come with anything, i was young once too. God has big plans for you. i know that nothing but greatness is coming your way. i'll love you forever  i'll like you for always  as long as i'm living my baby you'll be. mmmmmuuuuuuaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! xxO momma p.s. do you remember when you used to hold my face and kiss me and say mmmuuuaaahhh and your goal was to see how long you say it before you needed to take a breath? i miss that, but it would probably be super embarrassing for you to do that now. ha! i'm thankful for sweet memories. 

how do you undo your plans?

warning: this post is likely to be all over the place.

being a parent is hard. i'm sure i don't have to tell any of you that though.

i have a question for all of you.

how do you undo plans that you've made,

 dreams that you've dreamed, or thoughts you've thought?

that's where i'm at. i'm trying to undo plans, dreams, and thoughts.

as you all know i am a football mom. football has been a huge part of our life taking up almost half of our year every year for the last FIVE years. i have fallen head over heals with watching my boys play. since i was a little girl i always loved football. i don't think that i missed a single football game in high school.

but in the beginning, i didn't want my boys to play. football is so brutal. i didn't want my babies to get hurt. oldest asked to play. i dug my heels into the ground. my husband assured me that he was going to be fine.

at his very first game. he got tanked by a boy who was twice his size. he went straight to the ground, his little 9 year old body stayed as straight as a board as he fell. i was horrified and i started to jump out of my seat. husband very gently, but firm put his hand on my shoulder and whispered wait.
i was frantic. and thought to myself, what do you mean wait? that's my baby out there. before the thought was complete my boy had jumped up completely unfazed and was back in the huddle. the excitement on his face when that game was over was it for me. i fell in love with watching him (them once tiny man was old enough) play.

oldest is starting high school in the fall.

he doesn't want to play football.
youngest is following suit.

my heart feels is broken, and i feel angry.
i know my heart break and anger stem from selfish reasons, now i have to undo MY plans and dreams and thoughts.
so long friday night lights...see selfish.

Lord change my ugly heart. i'm begging.

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.


If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.


If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.


If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.


If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.


If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.


If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.


If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.


If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.


If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.


If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

he learns to find love in the world.

but all in all, my prayer remains the same though.
"Lord Jesus, please help me to be the kind of mother that you had, one who supports her child's dreams. bridge the gap between my weaknesses as a parent with your unfailing love. help us to brave this uncertain world together. just like you. and above all help us to chase your will for us each and every day. amen."

so tell me what do you do when you have to undo plans?

sk8 or die.

that's what i always say

sorry about the bad quality. i really need to use my big girl camera more often.

have you heard of Penny Boards?

it has been a topic of conversation in our house since october. this week, finally, after months of humming and hawing, my boys pulled out their hard earned cash and each bought one. 

me, being the voice of reason, kept telling them, "why do you need a penny board? you have perfectly fine skateboards." to which they replied, "MOM. penny boards are easier to ride." with the look of DUH written across their faces. WHATEVER! it's their money. 

well let me tell you a little story about what happens when i take the boys to the sk8 shop.

every time we walk in it goes like this...

MOM. i don't have any shirts. 

MOM. i don't have any shorts. 

MOM. I need a belt.

MOM. i need a new hat. (my boys ARE NOT hat wearers)

MOM. i need new sunglasses. (not for a c note you don't)

MOM. MOM. MOM.

thursday was no exception. 

it went like this. between me and tiny man.

"MOM. you know how our class is going on a tour of the Junior High tomorrow? well my teacher said that we needed to dress nice. i don't have ANY nice clothes." 

i looking into my mind while it flips like a rolodex cataloging all of his nice clothes i say, "yes you do honey." 

"MOM. but they aren't that nice." and i really want to make my teacher proud by dressing nice like she asked."

i try with all my might to keep my face blank because i know exactly what's going on here. i knew from the start. he thinks he's a BA going to tour the junior high campus and wants to look "cool." i did the same thing when i was little, and i'm here to tell you apples do not fall to far the trees. he he! so as usual, because i have "SUCKER" written across my head in big bold letters i give in and buy him not one but two new shirts and a pair of shorts. touring the junior high campus is a big deal you know. and one just may need an outfit change. :)

and while we are on the subject can we just have a moment of silence and/or prayers for the sadness i am feeling over the fact that come august i will no longer have a child in elementary school, and not only that, big man is starting high school in august. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? hold me. i am far too young for this. for real. my sons friends ask them all the time if i am their sister. ha! so that must prove i'm to young for this right? RIGHT.

another little funny about yesterday. we had our close friends son with us. the boys were looking for shirts. size small shirts. there were none. i found a few and i said. "hey guys how about these? they're cool!" to which our friends son replied, "i have learned that if moms think a shirt is cool...it's not."

whoa!!! tell me how you really feel. and by the way i am cool. you can't convince me that i'm not.
BOOM!

and because my feeling may have been a little worn out and tender i bought my self a happy.
i love my new hat.

i hope you all have a happy tuesday.

frame this moment

on thursday, these two made an impression on someone which lead to me getting a huge compliment.
i'm here to tell you that all of our mothering efforts really do pay off.

this was definitely a framable moment.

here's to hoping and praying they always behave well.

linking up here.

Q U A K E S F O R E V E R

or was that texas forever...

saturday marked the end of an era for the boy who made me a mama. he played his very last youth football game. for 1/3 of the year the last five years we have been part of team. i say we because it has truly been a whole family effort. our team mates have become family.

we lost the playoff game by TWO points. TWO. and to add insult to injury. we lost the playoff game last year to the same team by only ONE point. ONE. the boys took it really hard. i mean, look at those faces. the other team that is going to the championship finished their game before we finished ours and the whole team including the parents came over and cheered us on. boys were giving our boys pointers. they really wanted to see us in the championship. it was really sweet and heartbreaking all at once.

the below photo is of the originals. these five along with the two coaches have been together for the entire 5 years. many have come and gone. but these guys right here are true Quakes.

i'm weeping as i write this. if you know me, you know that i hate change. but alas change is good. it's the natural progression of life i guess. i can't wait for what the next chapter of my boy's life will bring. i see friday night lights in our future. i honestly love being a football mom. football moms are tough and sweet and amazing and gaga for their boys. being the mom of boys really brings me so much joy.

this year my boy tried something new on the field.
K I C K I N G.

he loves it. we always tell the boys to DREAM BIG. maybe there will be a scholarship in our future.
BELIEVING IS SEEING
am i right!

i call this smile the knucklehead smile. he smiles this smile when he's being a knucklehead.  i love it because he's always done it. one of my favorite photos of him was taken on his third birthday. we got him an over sized tonka fire truck complete with lights and sirens and a mechanical ladder. it was 3 feet long. he stood on it and smiled this smile. i die. every time i look at it. this smile melt me to the core.

 take 'em down son. boo-yah!!!

when asked why he was crying he said "because i wont be able to play football with my friend anymore." break my heart. our Quake boys will be attending four different high schools. :(

i could go on and on and on about this boy playing football, but there are too many memories to count. so until his next season i'll leave you with a cheer...

i said a boom chikca boom.

                      a boom chikca boom. 

                              i said a boom chicka rocka, chicka rock, chicka BOOM!

WOOT-WOOT                    

for the record. my husband thinks i'm awesome {especially when i'm being insane} cow bell and all. ha!

thoughts on a friday

first of all i miss everyone so SO much.
i have been busy which has left me with little to no blogging time. *sad face* i have so much to say and literally no time to say it.

some thoughts

when my boys were tiny men (bubba was 2 and mitche was 2 months) my husband worked at night, and because i am a big time sissy la-la i made my boys sleep in my bed with me.  i do believe in the family bed, co-sleeping,  sleep sharing or whatever it is being called these days, but i didn't originally set out to raise my boys that way. i was purely a victim of circumstance and it turned out that i loved it.

i did have my tiny mans crib next to my bed but every time i laid that little monkey in it he would cry. not just a tiny whimper but full on wails.  i guess you could say he was spoiled. but lets be real who doesn't want to cuddle their baby 24/7?

this is sort of off topic but i am going to tell you anyway.
there was a king in france (i forgot his name) in the 1500's and he decided to do a study on babies to see if they would come up with their own ways of communication with out having interaction with people to learn from. only each other. so the king took over 30 babies from their families and put them all together in a nursery in his palace. he had nurses feed them, bathe them and change them, however while giving the babies "everything they needed" the nurses were not allowed to talk to them or cuddle them. Guess what happened. all the babies died.

i read this article in a child development class and it hit me hard. i was heart broken for those babies. moral of the story: babies need to be loved on, talked sweetly to, touched, and cuddled. with every soft touch and sweet word spoken their little brains start making connections. without said connections they do not thrive.
so really...

via

this week my husband was away over night for business, and like i said i am a sissy la-la. so i asked my not so little munchkins if they wanted to sleep in my bed. as i was lying there with them it threw me back in time. i laid awake in reverie for most of the night cuddling them and playing with their hair. (they have really great hair it's so thick and wavy yet *silky smooth). which is something they don't let me do while they are awake anymore. 'cause you know i am going to mess it up, and well you know they have to impress the ladies. hee-hee

another off topic story. my oldest would not nurse we tried and tried for weeks . he would scream each time we'd try and i would cry because i felt rejected. after a month i brokenheartedly quit. i felt like such a failure. he  just loved that bottle.
when it was time to feed him i would hold his bottle with one hand stroke his head with the other. talent i know. when he was right around a year old he didn't want me to stroke his head anymore. he wanted to do it himself. it was so cute. to this day if he's lying on the couch or in his bed and he's tired up goes his hand and he strokes the top of his head. i melt. his independence from such a young age has always amazed me.
my second born is very dependent on me still. which also amazes me he's 10.

i am so proud of the young men they are turning into. they are loving and kind and make an effort to spend time with God everyday.

i am amazed out how fast children really do grow up. when i was growing up it seemed like it took forever and my mom would always say "my kells is growing so fast" i would roll my eyes.
but now that i am in it she was so right. kells grew up so fast (cause no way i am already 31) and kells' boys are growing so fast too.

Thank.God.Its.Friday

happy weekend friends

*conditioner is better it makes your hair silky and smooth... name that movie.  it's one of my favorites.