motherhood: count it all joy.

i'm sure i have spoken of all of this before but i'm struggling again so here we are.

i find myself struggling daily with simultaneously  wanting and not wanting a servants heart.
mostly i want one and don't have one. this morning when my son called from school saying he forgot something for the 50th time this school year, i wanted to get mad and say,
i have been up since 5:45 working to get you, your brother, and father out of the door on time. your brother just left and I just sat down to enjoy my coffee finally. so tough $**#. i tell you every night to get your bag ready for zero period and you don't. so don't call me again and tell me to bring you another thing you've forgotten. {ugly i know}
just as i was about to get upset i realized that this life IS the life i grew up wanting. i've wanted to be a a wife and mother for longer than i can remember. i chose to be a stay at home mom. this is my job and truly there is no where else i'd rather be. AND it's high time i start behaving as such. 

i have found myself in a new stage of motherhood. 

the one where my boys are growing and the time they want to spend with their parents is shortening.

i miss sitting with my freshly bathed boys on the couch watching the latest and greatest disney movie, while the smells of johnson and johnson baby shampoo circles around the room.

i don't want to admit how old they were before i bought them real shampoo. 
even though i miss those days i am glad to have the memories that flood when i smell baby care products. J&J please never change your scent. 

i find myself feeling lonely A Lot. 

the weird thing is that my people want to be around me,
but i find myself sabotaging that time with nonsense.

i'm lonely because of me and it's time to stop being silly.

i lately i  find myself wanting another baby.

for us, that ship has sailed. 

God's plans are better than my own and i am beyond thankful that by God's Grace i carried my precious boys successfully. i have children. but still, my heart aches.

i'm not exactly sure what's right in this situation. but i have the hope of some day being united with our four precious babes in heaven.
hope lifts you up!

i miss my Grand.
today, i am working hard do as she did and bring my troubles to the Lord and count it all joy.
even the hard and ugly things, because:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
james 1:2-8

new year, new word.

monday morning, during my usual quiet time, a.k.a. scrolling through instagram, i realized there were only two days left of 2013. my next thought was, kelly you better pick a word for 2014. the thought was fleeting and i quickly got back to looking at everyones pretty pictures. 

later that morning, i decided to multitask (since the time that i should of been spending with the Lord was spent on instagram. {that was hard to admit}) and listen to the day's readings in podcast form as i did my hair. what i didn't expect to happen was the hot steamy tears rolling down my face as i realized that a) i passed 2013 with out spending very much time with Christ. and b) he smacked me up side my head with my word for 2014 write smack dab in the middle of the epistle reading.

the  reading was this,

 "But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel 

but be gentle to all, 

able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will."

2 Timothy 2:20-26

New King James Version (NKJV)

when i heard the word gentle, a warmth washed over me, my heart stirred, the tears started to roll, and i
knew gentle was My Word for 2 0 1 4.

gentle: adjective\ˈjen-t^əl\
: having or showing a kind and quiet nature : not harsh or violent 

Gentle is a reoccurring theme in my life…Kelly don't yell…Kelly easy…Kelly just talk to us, we CAN hear you. over the last 15 months my mom has claimed live gently as her motto. when gentle stirred my heart i couldn't believe it, and her words echoed in my ears.

it comes as a shock to most people when i admit this out loud, but I AM a yeller. i have been my whole life. it's not something i like to admit. and it is something that i *think about* trying to change often. but every time i *think about* changing my bad behavior my next thought is always "why should i change? i've been this way my whole life, old habits die hard, and really who cares? well self i care. your children and husband care and deserve to be treated gently." 
i truly desire to treat them gently in all that i do and say. 

as the podcast continued on, the priest gave a small homily on the reading quoting
saint john chrysostom

"Therefore let us not be provoked with these men, 

let us not use anger as an excuse,

but let us talk with them gently and with kindness. 

nothing is more forceful and effective than 

treatment that is gentle and kind."

~ Saint John Chrysostom

my momma has always said, "kill 'em with kindness" and my grandmother m always said, "you catch more bees with honey." i think its about time that i take this all to heart and live a gentle life. 

tell me what is your word for the year, or do you even do a word for the year? 

do you have and resolutions? this year i have only one, to take care of my heart: draw nearer to Christ and show love the way he does, gently.

get ur praise on

so, i decided that i'd join in on jami's super fun praisey shenanigans...finding the gospel in todays music.  totally fun right.

my whole life, when i hear a song that i like, i bend it and twist it and mold it to fit whatever is going on in my life at the current time. this particular song came out when in the summer of '01. at the time i had just turned 21, my husband was working the night shift, and I had a two and a half year old who was entering that terrible whiny, defiant, spoiled stage of life and a five month old who wanted to nurse non stop. i worried all the time about weather or not i was a good mother, wife, house keeper, chef, friend, if i dressed nice, if i dressed my kids nicely, etc.etc. i heard this song and was in love instantly.

would sing the hook non stop, and every time i'd sing it i would think of Jesus. HE got me through it all. whatever the day brought, sunshine or rain He's always there.

Whatever 

tomorrow brings 

i'll be there with open arms and open eyes. 

YEAH!

incubus -OR- JESUS

Matthew 25“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

28“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.30Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

and here's the cross reference to drive it home.

Luke 22Then He said to His disciples, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. 23Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing.24Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? 25And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 26If you then are not able to do the least, whyare you anxious for the rest? 27Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?

29“And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. 30For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things.31But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.

all right guys it's time #letsgetpraisy you can join in on the fun here.

big girl pants

so here is a truth about me.

i am allergic to confrontation.

i literally get hives from the stress over load.

i have medicine for it.

seriously!

lately when i have been put in these situations

 i have tried to get out of them by ignoring them.

i keep ending up with a big lump in my throat and an ache in my heart.

i am a people pleaser

i think that the GOD has been working on me in this area.

he has been putting me in situations that i can not run from.

wish i could but, it just makes me a coward. 

it's not like it's been anything super bad.

i just need to speak my heart and let people know how i feel.

for the sake of my relationship with people.

 for me i feel like it's easier to just go along with things, and then distance my self from the person that i don't want to confront. 

lately when i have been put in these situations i have tried to get out of them by ignoring them.

i keep ending up with a big lump in my throat and an ache in my heart.

it happened again yesterday. 

i knew that GOD wanted me to speak my heart.
i put on my big girl pants 

i said a prayer and made the dreaded call.

it went a lot better than i expected.

i felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my chest.
it was good. 

"do not be conformed to this world,

but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,

that by testing you may discern what is the will of God,

what is good acceptable and perfect."

romans 12:2

how do you handle being put in uncomfortable situations? 

when you have to confront someone or speak a truth what do you do?

i need advice.