liquid sunshine

I can't believe that it has been eight months since my grand went to be with Jesus.

I miss her something awful and think of her everyday.
On days that my mind is working right, I grab the phone, dial 323393, and before I hit the last number
it finally dawns on me that she's not there. This especially happens when I'm working in my garden and I need advice.

I have this video that we took of her about a month before she passed. I used to torture myself and watch it over and over but for the last few months I've only hit play when i want to hear her sweet voice. It is a perfect capture of who she was. In the video she is talking to my youngest son. Out of nowhere she says a prayer (this wasn't uncommon for her, she truly prayed without ceasing) for he and my older son and then whispers sweetest loving words to him.

"Dear Lord Jesus, send all your angels around my little boys. Watch over them, and when they go to bed put their guardian angels at the head of their bed and don't let anybody disturb their sleep. Thank God for another day because he was good, especially when your mom brings you here to see me. I love you i tell you, big big big big. Ooh beautiful face mijo, it reminds me of the little angels that I see in the magazines."

I.m not sure why this memory struck today but it did. Its funny how thought progression works.
The morning after she passed we received a much needed down pour of rain. At the time I felt as though the whole world was feeling my pain and was crying with me. After that first day the clouds cleared and the sky was bright. Our family wanted a particular priest to preside over grands funeral service and he was out of town, so we had to wait nine days after her passing to hold the service. It was a hard, busy, and emotional nine days.

On the day of her funeral we woke up to pouring rain again. *You have to remember, California is in one of the worst draughts we have ever seen. The city was a mess, we forget quickly how to drive in the rain here. After the church service we drove to the cemetery. The rain was still coming down. At the end of the grave side service my mom pulled out two giant bouquets of calla lilies, (my grand grew them in her yard and they were prize winning) she handed one to each of her grandsons so they could put them on top of her *treasure box. As my mom handed out the lily the sky opened up, the clouds started to disperse and the sun shone brightly and the rain kept pouring down.

Liquid Sunshine.
It made me smile from ear to ear.
I let my umbrella fall to the side, i looked up, and let the rain soak into my face. It was glorious. If I were a little bit younger I would have started to twirl. But a twirling 33 year old, people might've though I'd lost my mind.

My grand was an avid gardener. among her lilies, camellias, nopales, and orange tress, she had over One Hundred roses bushes. She would always say, "It doesn't take much to tend a garden, all you need is a praying heart, a soft touch, sunshine, and rain."

I don't think it was a coincidence that we had all of the ingredients that day.

I had this little thought the morning after she passed that Grand entered heaven arm in arm with Christ. The golden highway was lined with everyone who went before her.
I bet my babies were the very first ones to greet her.
She prayed for each of them so much and for me when each was lost.
Her face, nothing but JOY, and even though she has always been so regal, she ate up her welcome doing her little shoulder shimmy while waving her little princess wave at them all.
It probably took hours no days for her to hug everyone who came to welcome her.
If you only met her once she counted you as a loved one.

This is probably a little heavy for a tuesday afternoon, but it sure does feel good to write it out and cry it out once in a while.

*treasure box:
When my youngest was three my husbands aunt, who was more like a grandparent to him passed. I had a lot of mixed feelings on taking our boys to her funeral. In the end we decided that death was a part of life and although it was a hard thing, we didn't want to shelter the boys from it completely. When things are sad, its okay to be sad. Grief is natural. Pretending it isn't there only hinders your healing.
(again this is only our opinion)
When we walked into the church and my boy saw the casket, his eyes lit up and he said, Gogomou, (that's what they called her) got her very own treasure box?! When I go to heaven will I get a treasure box? It was precious and broke my heart into a million little piece.

cousins and the realization of how super short i am.

this photo is so dear to my heart.

but before we get to that i want to say… 

oh hey, thanks for the blessing Pope Francis.

my cousins and i are never in the same room at the same time.

unfortunately, what got us all in the same room was my Grandmothers death. 

as sad as the circumstance were it was really wonderful to spend so much time with these ladies. 

reminiscing on our childhoods. laughing at how big we each thought Grands house and yard were and  realizing how teeny tiny it really is when we went there to gather pictures. 

 (Grand hadn't lived there since 2007 and none of us had been there, our mothers had the maintenance taken care of.) Grand had a way of making everything feel grandiose.

i miss her every second. 

i also realized how short i am standing between my cousins and y'all I'm wearing heals. kristin on the right end is in flats and she was still a good three and a half inches taller. lauren, (on the opposite end) kristin's twin if you couldn't tell is just as tall when she's not in heals. and carla, (standing next to me in the center) pft! i always thought i was taller than her, haha NOT! she's a good two inches taller. 

i've come to the realization that i must just think really big of myself and my presence. 

you could call it a problem with EGO, i guess.

because seriously, i never realized how lacking i was in the height department. 

5'3'' is small.  

wishing you all a blessed weekend!

xxO

kelly

My Grandmother, A Tribute

I had the extreme honor of writing and giving my Grandmothers eulogy.

We laid her to rest on Friday February 28th.

+++

When I think of my Grandmother so many words immediately come to mind.

Regal, dignified, majestic, beautiful, divine, matriarch. She IS the true north of our family.

Loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, good, faithful, gentle and patient. She adored the word of God and lived out the fruits of the spirit every single day.

I’ve been praying all week about what to say about my Grandma that would honor who she was perfectly. I could tell you that she made the best chocolate milk, that her garden was better than any other and that she loved to fill her garden with animals, especially little dogs. That she never rushed you off when you wanted to snuggle. She’d sit there and snuggle you until You were through. That she was always so insightful, she even told me the exact dates my boys would be born and that when I think about her reasoning for those dates it still makes me laugh. That when she spoke about any of her grandchildren, great grandchildren, or great great grandchildren she had the sweetest sparkle in her eyes. That she told us girls never to leave the house with out lipstick or blush because you never knew who you'd meet up with and we should always look our best. Or that the boys could do no wrong. That she made the best Nopales Chili Colorado and the there was never any left over’s. So I’d invite her to my house to make it just for us and guess what still no leftovers. Or that not a minute went by that she didn't have her rosary on. That she love her mama and that my Grandpa Santos was the love of her life. She talked about the two of them so fondly. That she loved watching the fireworks on the fourth of July at Tia Linda’s. She was so proud to be an American.  That my Mom could make her laugh like no one else could. Or that every time Tia Vickie would offer her champagne she’d always say yes but just half a glass, then the next time someone would walk by she’d say can I have just half a glass more, she’d do that at least three times thinking we didn’t know, but we did. That she loved Mariachis, their music would often move her to tears. Or that she was a night owl and we’d find her watching TBN or Lifetime at 2:30 am because that’s when all the “good” movies came on. That she was a joker who loved to shimmy her shoulders and drink pepsi. While all of this is true, I decided to go with a journal entry that I wrote about one of our visits with her.

My husband, youngest son and I went to visit Grandma. When we got there she and all of the other “at risk of falling residents” were sitting by the nurses station. I spotted Grandma grabbed her wheel chair and as i was doing so, she noticed that it was me pushing her away and said. "i was praying to God that he would bring me my family and he sent me you. “See mija, God listens. God spoke to you and you listened." About that time my son reached us and bent down and gave Grandma a kiss on the cheek. she straightened herself up tall and announced to everyone "this is my great grandson" I melted.

Often time when I visited, I would take her outside for fresh air, weather permitting and on this night that’s exactly what we did. It was just before dusk and all the little birdies were singing their good night songs. The air was cool, and it was beautiful out. We listened to her tell her stories, and as always gave us a much needed laugh.

Just before the sunset my mom drove up. When grandma spotted her she turned to me and said "did you tell your mom that you were coming to visit me?" i hadn't. She shook her head in disbelief and said again, "See, God listened. I prayed all day for my family and he brought you all to me." and she pointed at us all and said, "i prayed for you and you and you and all around." pointing in a circular motion. Once the sun fell beyond the horizon we took her back to her room and got her ready for bed we asked her if she wanted the t.v. on and grandma said, "no i want to pray." It was so sweet and childlike it hit me hard as I realized how long it had been since I myself just sat and prayed. She blessed us as always and we left.

Of all the words that come to mind when I think about her, this is the one that stands out the most. Prayerful. She remembered each one of you in her prayers daily. Recently she told us, “I have nothing but time to pray for my loved ones.” And if you met her just once she counted you as a loved one. “So that’s what I do.” She continued.

Grandma was constantly in prayer. Her love for the Lord was like a child’s, fully and completely true with out reservations or conditions. It just was. And I think that that’s the legacy that she

would want to leave behind.

Pray. Because even if you don’t think the Lord is listening he always is.

Love the Lord innocently and unconditionally with your whole heart.

At every hello and good bye, wish blessings on one another and always say I love you. Always forgive one another and never leave angry.

Remember that life no matter the season, is always beautiful.

Hug your loved ones a little longer and a little tighter, the tasks of this busy world can wait.

And as she would say, "Thank You Jesus for anther day, because he was good." Do this every day.

Each day is a gift. 

And Grandma as you’ve been telling all of us, we love you big, I tell you, big big big.

+++

I miss her every second.

life circles back

my grandma used to hold me, now i hold her.

almost two years ago, my grandma had a stroke which caused paralysis on the left side of her body. 

up until the time she had the stroke one of my favorite things to do was to snuggle up as close to her as i could, and without me asking she would wrap her arm around me and pull me even closer. she would stroke my hair and kiss my head. we could stay that way for hours and watch her novelas on univison. 

have i ever mentioned that my first language was spanish?

my grandma and non english speaking great grandma took care of me when my parents worked from the time i was born until i was almost three. so of course i picked the language up. 

i can't speak a lick now, but i do still understand some. mostly. when my mom wants to tell me something she does not want my boys to hear she tells me in spanish. it drives them crazy.

today, during my visit, i was longing to snuggle up into her side. however she is in a wheel chair which makes it pretty difficult. so i did the next best thing. i got as close to her as i could and pulled her into me. i stroked her hair and kissed her head. she looked over to me and said, mija that feels good. 

when i came back around to see her face she said, i miss my mom. 

it struck me then that this was how she snuggled with her mom, and her my mom, and why all three of them me, and why me, my mom, and my grandma snuggle with my boys this way, and some day my boys with their children, and me my grand children the same way. sort of like a snuggle legacy. 

did you understand all that? 

it's so crazy to me how life always cirlces back around. 

and that the silliest things such as snuggling become a family legacy.

it was the beautiful and a little heartbreaking that me snuggling her, made her miss her mom.

Catching Up #2

Grand.

{my grandparents in the 50's}

My Grandmother is still going strong, and is finally at peace with where she is at in life. It has been a long twisting and winding road. But alas she come to find peace. thankful that Christ is ever present.

She celebrated her 93rd birthday last Monday. My mom sent me a video she took...my grand was drinking a beer. and said "Ooh look at me i can still drink a beer." she's a comedian.

Once a month we pay a van service to bring her home for the day. We put on mariachi music and visit she loves it. she especially loves my Tia's dog in her lap the whole time. My baby cousins found a stuffed animal that looks just like my him. It hasn't left her side since. I'm sort of mad that I didn't think of that.  ;)

Thank you all for your prayers.

xxO

Kelly

childlike. a much needed reminder.

on tuesday evening my husband, youngest son and i went to visit my grand while my oldest was at youth group. when we walked in to the long term care center my heart was so sad. all of the elderly that are at risk for falling were lined up in their wheel chairs around the nurses station. i spotted my grandma and she had her hand in the air like a student.

i approached her and asked her what was the matter. she said pleading "can you please help us? we have been sitting here for over an hour and no one will help us."

 I asked "do you need something?"

she said "yes i do i need to go to the restroom."

i grabbed her wheel chair and as i was doing so, she said. "i was praying to God that he would help me and he sent you. God listens See mi hija God talked to you and you listened."

about that time my son reached us and bent down and gave my grandma a kiss on the cheek. she straightened herself up tall and announced to everyone "this is my great grandson"

i melted.

after we took her to the restroom we took her out side. it was just before dusk all the little birdies were singing their good night songs, the air was cool it was a perfect evening. we listened to her tell her stories. she gave us a much needed laugh.

just before the sunset my mom drove up. when my grandma spotted her she turned to me and said "did you tell your mom that you were coming to visit me?" i hadn't and i told her so. she shook her head in disbelief and said again "God listened. I prayed all day for my family" and point at us all she said, "i prayed for you and you and you and all around." pointing in a circular motion.

she began to yawn, so we took her back in and got her ready for bed. as we were saying our good byes and tucking her in my mom asked her if she wanted to watch t.v. grand said, "no i want to pray." it was so sweet and childlike.

for the last few weeks i have been so distracted that the time i spend with God got pushed aside. no pushed aside isn't accurate. i was deliberately not spending time with God. awful i know. this visit with her was such a good reminder to give God the glory and time that he deserves. he listens and cares even when we don't think so. he's always waiting for us to come to him. and when we do his arms are opened wide.

and HE said: "i tell you the truth, 

unless you change and become like little children, 

you will never get into the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 18:3

i was pondering sickness and suffering today, because i have been so upset that i have had to see all of my grandparents suffer. when we are sick and suffering we revert to being childlike. maybe that's the point of it. to be childlike to get us to turn back to God. to really really turn to him. and love him as the little children do. 

grand told me recently that when i was little i would dance and sing sunday school songs. my favorite one was "i've got the joy down in my heart" i remember sing and dancing well more like twirling like it was yesterday. anyway, she said she asked me why i loved Jesus. and i said. "i just do!"

after all how does a child elaborate their reasons why. we are born with a love for the Lord, we were created to worship and praise him. 

life is beautiful.

each day is a gift. 

love the Lord innocently & without any reason with all your heart.

&

today just for fun do something childlike.

 

what i learned from the bible 

a challenge.365 link up 

 the idea is for everyone to write a post about

 1}what you read in the bible recently.

 2} how it spoke to you. 

3} how you applied it in your own life.

 4} what you learned form it.

 5}please link up your post not your blog.

 my hope is that through this link up we encourage each other to remain in the word.

 life sure is a heck of a lot easier when we spend time with God each day.

breakdown

 {source}

my grandma was hospitalized again over the weekend. they thought she had another stroke, but she didn't. however the MRI did show that the tissue in the two areas she suffer strokes in in january has died. it's called narcosis. what that means is that the ailments she now due to the original stroke are irreversible. She is not going to get better and will only continue to decline. 

her left side is extremely weak she can move it, but only ever so slightly. her swallow is weak and she can only eat pureed food. she has dementia which has gotten so much worse over the last few months. it hurts so bad to see her like this. she so confused and spends most days crying.

over the last few weeks we have been really busy. like marathon busy. on tuesday night i had a ticks to myself. and everything regarding my grandma hit me like a ton of bricks. i brokedown. if it had ended there i think it would have been okay. but it didn't. when i breakdown i rehash everything that i don't understand and ask why. it was awful, but at the same time it was a much needed release.

i am thankful for my husband for listening, and the tenderness in his voice when he reminded me that God is directing my path.

 in the time that my grand has left we are going to continue loving her well. i'm going to curl up to her on her left side, put my arm through hers, my nose in the crook of her neck. (her smell is one of my favorites) and sing just as i have done for as long as i can remember.

God's in control and i know it.

 

what i learned from the bible 

a challenge.365 link up 

 the idea is for everyone to write a post about

 1}what you read in the bible recently.

 2} how it spoke to you. 

3} how you applied it in your own life.

 4} what you learned form it.

 5}please link up your post not your blog.

 my hope is that through this link up we encourage each other to remain in the word.

 life sure is a heck of a lot easier when we spend time with God each day.

My Grand{ma}

i am jubilant for tomorrow to come.

we are throwing a 92nd, 

yes you read right

a 

92nd Birthday Bash 

for my Grand{ma}

look how foxy she is

still a fox at my wedding. actually, that's 3 generations of foxiness right there. what is my mom looking at? 

after looking at these pictures to day i realized where i got my love of pearls from. we are both wearing them on my wedding day. MOM where are yours???

these are from her 90th!

doesn't she look regal sitting with her mariachi minions.
that's right boys play for her.

her got all weepy

and ya,

 we dance in restaurants and share cake with all the patrons

it's how we roll.

with our grand!
me, my rockstar stylist cousin, and my baby bro
he and my mom always blink in pictures.

for her 90th we decided to keep it calm. i mean she's 90.
 Josephina said with an H 
had different ideas...
about a month later while making tamales, 
she tells us "you know i am only 89 right!"
us "no you are 90"
her "well, if i were 90 i would have had a BIG PARTY, and until i do i'm only 89."
OMGee!!!
she's an animal i tell ya.


we couldn't allow her be 89 for a 4th year.
LOL

tomorrow at her party we are having a mariachi trio, and someone who is going to sing standards. 

i'm thrilled!

my mom just called and informed me that she wants me to say something about my Grand.

thanks mom for waiting until the eleventh hour to let me know.

 aye yi yi!!!

p.s. flobots i know all the words to de colores too, and Solamente una Ves, Como la flor, bidi bidi bom bom (salena anyone?) the list goes on, and on, and on. ha.

i couldn't help myself!!!

;-)