motherhood: count it all joy.

i'm sure i have spoken of all of this before but i'm struggling again so here we are.

i find myself struggling daily with simultaneously  wanting and not wanting a servants heart.
mostly i want one and don't have one. this morning when my son called from school saying he forgot something for the 50th time this school year, i wanted to get mad and say,
i have been up since 5:45 working to get you, your brother, and father out of the door on time. your brother just left and I just sat down to enjoy my coffee finally. so tough $**#. i tell you every night to get your bag ready for zero period and you don't. so don't call me again and tell me to bring you another thing you've forgotten. {ugly i know}
just as i was about to get upset i realized that this life IS the life i grew up wanting. i've wanted to be a a wife and mother for longer than i can remember. i chose to be a stay at home mom. this is my job and truly there is no where else i'd rather be. AND it's high time i start behaving as such. 

i have found myself in a new stage of motherhood. 

the one where my boys are growing and the time they want to spend with their parents is shortening.

i miss sitting with my freshly bathed boys on the couch watching the latest and greatest disney movie, while the smells of johnson and johnson baby shampoo circles around the room.

i don't want to admit how old they were before i bought them real shampoo. 
even though i miss those days i am glad to have the memories that flood when i smell baby care products. J&J please never change your scent. 

i find myself feeling lonely A Lot. 

the weird thing is that my people want to be around me,
but i find myself sabotaging that time with nonsense.

i'm lonely because of me and it's time to stop being silly.

i lately i  find myself wanting another baby.

for us, that ship has sailed. 

God's plans are better than my own and i am beyond thankful that by God's Grace i carried my precious boys successfully. i have children. but still, my heart aches.

i'm not exactly sure what's right in this situation. but i have the hope of some day being united with our four precious babes in heaven.
hope lifts you up!

i miss my Grand.
today, i am working hard do as she did and bring my troubles to the Lord and count it all joy.
even the hard and ugly things, because:

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
james 1:2-8