it is better to live alone in the corner of an attic.

have i told you that i have PMDD? it's basically when you have severe PMS i.e. anxiety, depression, irritability,  difficulty concentrating, heart palpitaions, and well the list goes on. PMDD can occur at different points of a woman's cycle. so basically it last a better part of the month for me. as soon as i feel better... boom i'm ovulating and bam here we go again.


i really thought i was crazy for a long long time. i begged the lord for help. one day back in 07' i had a major break down. i called my doctor and bawled on the phone with him for a good hour. he sent me to have blood work done. he thought that my estrogen levels were bottoming out.  turns out my estrogen yo-yo's big time. and i was diagnosed with PMDD. the normal fix for this is birth control pills. i can't take birth control pills because i also have a blood clotting disorder ( i clot to quickly) with some research he found a pill that would work for me. praise Jesus!


i am not here to tell you that you should take a pill and life will be all better. what i am here to tell is that i prayed for a long time for help. i fell like God allowed me to break down when i did and he found me the help i needed. i didn't want to take a pill to "fix" me. it made me feel weak. we take medicine to cure lots of problems why did this bothering me so much?  i told my priest this and he said "sometimes we need to look out side the box for help especially if it is a hormonal imbalance. would the Lord want you to sit here and suffer?  he gave someone the know how to develop something to help people in your situation." 
i don't know why but that made real sense to me.


this isn't really where i wanted to go with this post but this is a truth about me.


this morning when i was reading my bible i read proverbs 21.
here's what stuck out.

9 it is better to live alone in the corner of an attic

than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

19 it is better to live alone in the desert

than with a quarrelsome,

 complaining wife.

and just like that i was humbled. i love how everyday that i pick up my bible i read something that i really REALLY needed to read. God is so GOOD!


i have been snappy and rude the last few days with the love of my life. i could just say "honey it just that time of the month deal with it" but that's not who or what i want to be. i really don't like excuses. it just is what it is and i need to pay attention to whats going on with me and realize that yes i may be feeling these things but i am not going to let it dominate my life or use it as a crutch.  why is it that we take out all of our frustrations on those we love the most.

today i am going to tell him that i love him!


i want to be a proverbs 31 wife to him. he deserves it. it's what God put me here to be.


^{Proverbs 31:10-31
          10} Who can find a virtuous wife? 
      For her worth is far above rubies. 
       ¹¹ The heart of her husband safely trusts her; 
      So he will have no lack of gain. 
       ¹² She does him good and not evil 
      All the days of her life. 
       ¹³ She seeks wool and flax, 
      And willingly works with her hands. 
       ¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships, 
      She brings her food from afar. 
       ¹⁵ She also rises while it is yet night, 
      And provides food for her household, 
      And a portion for her maidservants. 
       ¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it; 
      From her profits she plants a vineyard. 
       ¹⁷ She girds herself with strength, 
      And strengthens her arms. 
       ¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandiseis good, 
      And her lamp does not go out by night. 
       ¹⁹ She stretches out her hands to the distaff, 
      And her hand holds the spindle. 
       ²⁰ She extends her hand to the poor, 
      Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy. 
       ²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household, 
      For all her household is clothed with scarlet. 
       ²² She makes tapestry for herself; 
      Her clothing is fine linen and purple. 
       ²³ Her husband is known in the gates, 
      When he sits among the elders of the land. 
       ²⁴ She makes linen garments and sellsthem,
      And supplies sashes for the merchants. 
       ²⁵ Strength and honor are her clothing;
      She shall rejoice in time to come. 
       ²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom, 
      And on her tongue is the law of kindness. 
       ²⁷ She watches over the ways of her household, 
      And does not eat the bread of idleness. 
       ²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed; 
      Her husband also, and he praises her: 
       ²⁹ “ Many daughters have done well, 
      But you excel them all.” 
       ³⁰ Charm is deceitful and beauty ispassing, 
      But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. 
       ³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands, 
      And let her own works praise her in the gates.