Prayer Request & A Momma Diary

i love this here little blog of mine. it makes me happy. i can't believe i didn't make one sooner. it brings me so much joy to write  type my thoughts and feelings, release them and get them out. i have a tendency to let things fester inside of me. 


on that note there are some things that have been heavy on my heart as of late. it's not a very happy story (but God is good) and i don't expect anyone to read this post in it's entirety it is written in 2 parts. but please read the first part. it is the pray request.


part: 1

me and my sis singin' karaoke at my 30th 

my sister-in-law is pregnant (19) weeks along. she is 36 so the dr's. are taking this pregnancy very seriously. she has apt. every couple of weeks opposed to the once a month check up. in her prior pregnancies she has had to have emergency c-sections because she runs out of amniotic fluid, she can't be induced because she has a tiny uterus and both of her children were breech. all of the above has caused the dr. concern and she see a specialist. so far she has had 9 ultrasounds. at the beginning of the pregnancy the hormone level that represents a pregnancy wasn't going up as it should have. which caused worry and lots of test had to be run. it finally went up and the dr. said everything was o.k.


yesterday i went to the dr. with my sister and 10 year-old niece to find out the sex of the baby. this little baby has been stubborn. we have tried to find out what the sex is via ultrasound THREE times before yesterday. FINALLY the baby showed us it parts! the baby is a GIRL. when the ultrasound was over the specialist came in to do the regular OB exam. so my niece and i stepped out and went to the waiting room.


while in the waiting room athina (my niece) and i were looking at all the 10 million baby magazines and talking and planning out everything for this little child's arrival. the time kept ticking. an hour went by and i started to wonder what in the world is taking sooo long at which point worry set in. 


my sister finally came out and she was laughing. when my sis laughs this particular laugh it is NOT a good thing. it was her i have to tell you something laugh. my heart dropped. when my niece saw her mom she leans over and whispers in my ear "you should throw my mom a surprise baby shower" i smile and nod and my sis leans to my other ear and says the baby has 6 toes on one feet, her legs are bowed outwards so when/if she walks she will walk on the inside of her feet and the bottom of her feet will be out to the side. so i started to think ok babies are born with extra fingers and toes all the time that's an easy fix, baby bones are soft so i'm sure they could put those special boots on her to straighten out her legs and feet. then she says there more.... my heart dropped again. 


the dr. wants me to have an amnio done right now because he doesn't think that the babies liver and kidneys are functioning properly and he thinks now for sure that the baby has down syndrome. (i didn't mention before that this has been a concern from the start but then the dr. said it probably didn't and we moved past that thought) and he thinks it is a type of down syndrome where the baby won't survive out side of utero. what should i do.


let me just say that when GOD plans a day he plans them perfectly. i wanted to freak out on the spot. i wanted to lose it. scream. cry. flail. but my niece was sitting right there next to me. so with smiles on our faces and calm voices i suggested that she call Gunter (the dad) and let him know what was going on. 
she did and they decided to have the amnio done. 


SO NOW WE WAIT FOR 2 WEEKS... 
it takes that long to get the results.  the weird thing  in all of this is while we were waiting i kept feeling the grace of god wash over me. you know the feeling when you get tingles starting on the top of your head and they make their way down your entire body. this happened over and over. so i really feel that everything will turn out fine. 
can you please pray for our little baby her name is 

Evangeline Grace

she will be named after her great grandfather evangelos.

i know that GODS plans are perfect and we must trust in him. but i like to call in reinforcements!

part 2

now i want to share something about me. every time that i hear that someone is pregnant my heart always drops and i want to be sick. i know i am awful but here's why after my jimmy (son #2) was born my hubby and i had plans of a BIG FAMILY! when jimmy was 23 months old i got pregnant. yay! but at 14 weeks we went in for a check up and the dr. couldn't locate a heart beat on the doppler so he did an ultrasound. the screen was still and quiet no heart beat. the dr. told us to go home and come back in 2 days and we'll do another ultrasound to see if it was just a bad angle etc. 

i knew it wasn't... my little bebe had gone to be with the LORD. my emotions went on overload and i felt every emotion all at once. my husband is so strong, we walked out of the office he held me in his arms and we cried and prayed.

we went back to the dr. for the ultrasound and it turned out the same. i had a D&C 2 days after that. when i went in for the procedure the lady at the check in counter asked me why i was having a D&C she asked me this with an attitude. i think she thought i was coming in for an abortion because when i told her very bluntly that my baby had died inside me and that i have been going through life for the past 5 days knowing this fact. her attitude towards me changed. i think i could of handled that better. my husband just squeezed my hand to let me know it was okay.

the dr. told us that this sort of thing happens and that we could try again right after my next cycle so we did and i miscarried again. at this point. i lost it on the dr. and told him something must be wrong and he

needed to...                                    FIND OUT WHATS WRONG WITH ME

so he ran all sorts of test and sent me to a hematologist. here what we found out. i have a blood clotting disorder: anticardiolipin syndrome a high homocystine level, and a borderline hyper thyroid,  all of which can cause early "fetal demise" and a  harden of my arteries after i turn 50 and puts me more at risk for heart attack and stroke. WHATEVER. 

so i had to have more test. and the hematologist said that i could give my self heparin shots (a blood thiner) everyday take these vitamins: b complex, folic acid, an 81mg aspirin and a bunch of other vitamins that i don't remember now and that i'd be able to carry a baby to term. nope miscarried again. we had 3 miscarriages in 13 months. i suffered post traumatic stress syndrome after the third miscarriage i had anxiety all the time and didn't want my littles (my boys) out of my sight for a minute. i would dream that i lost them in a crowed every night. this was not a good spot to be in when george was in kindergarten and HAD to go to class. and i pushed my husband away and wanted nothing to do with him. All i know is GOD is AMAZING,

so then i got sent to an infertility specialist. he said the same thing take all the vitamins, aspirin and the shots i'd be fine. i just started it all to late the last time. so we waited 3 years and tried again and failed.

after tons and tons of prayer we came to the conclusion that our little family was complete with just the 4 of us. our boys were getting older and this was trying not only for us but for them. 

george was in 2nd grade the last time and jim was in kindergarten. i tried to keep the last pregnancy a secret from them but my george is very intuitive his famous line when he was little was:

 "nobody told me but my brain told me" 

oh kill me now was/is my thought when he would/does say this. 

so he said "mommy your going to have a baby"

me " yes george i am pregnant"

george "you should name the baby RUTH (from the bible) if it is a girl because Ruth was patient.

BE.STILL.MY.HEART.

me: "i love that george"

that last miscarriage made them angry. so, it was time to stop. coming to the decision to stop gave us a tremendous amount of peace. the Dr.'s said that my boys are

MIRACLES

i think that they are

XOXO